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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28105620">leave me to drown</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/maelstrcms/pseuds/maelstrcms'>maelstrcms</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band), NCT 127 (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:01:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,726</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28105620</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/maelstrcms/pseuds/maelstrcms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Doyoung was leaving, and nothing Yuta said could convince him to stay.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Nakamoto Yuta</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>leave me to drown</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>mentions of water, bodily fluids (sweat, blood, tears), drowning</p><p>i have no idea what spurred me to write this but WHATEVER i need more doyu in my life and angst is fun to write so here ya go</p><p>for bea, rui, and wendy, who have always stuck by my side, and the doyuist gc, who tried to talk me out of doing this. you failed.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>unbetaed</i></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Water.</p><p>Their relationship, their special bond, was built around water.</p><p>Blood.</p><p>He could never forget the day when he finally gave out, the skin on his hands and knees scraped bloody from a fall that came from his carelessness. A slip of his foot, a trick of the light. The boy had bandaged him up, healing him with kind words and light touches, forcing him to sit out on training but filling him up on what he had missed after each day. He thought of the little gestures he had shown, the extra egg the boy received in the mornings during breakfast, the little handful of sweets that appeared on the boy's bed at the end of a particularly rough practice.</p><p>Tears.</p><p>He remembered their first meeting, when he had been found by the boy, curled up in a corner by the staircase where he <em>knew</em> no one would check, He remembered the tears he had shed, that the boy had wiped away with soft hands and the hem of his shirt. He remembered weeping for his family that he couldn't see, that he longed to touch, instead of being restricted to the boundaries of a solid computer screen. He remembered the boy bringing him to his home, begging his parents to allow him to stay. He remembered.</p><p>Sweat.</p><p>He recalled how they spent hours in the practice rooms together, working and reworking choreographies until they were engrained in the memory of their muscles, until the moves became second nature. They worked long after everyone had left, the pink lights of SM Entertainment's building shutting off for the night. They remained in the single room bathed in the sharp white of the practice room's lighting, creating magic with their bodies as they moved as one. As dancers, their bodies were their instruments. When their forms ached with pain and wear, they kept each other going.</p><p>Champagne.</p><p>He recalled all the posh dinners they were forced to attend as celebrities, full of fake smiles and high-end clothes, ironed suits and pristine ties and watches so expensive that their. The man would take advantage of the lack of press and free alcohol, and he recalled that, after those parties, the man's lips would taste like champagne, the flavour of ripe fruit burning on his tongue. The champagne was sweet, but it always tasted sweeter on his lips.</p><p>Ocean.</p><p>There were days when their schedules were free of any particularly important photoshoots or promotions. In those days, they would head to the ocean, splashing around in the sea until they got cold and spending the rest of the time huddled together under towels, warming themselves with each others' body heat. Though those days became few and far between, and their visits to the beach became less frequent, they knew that they always had each other. The world could treat them harsher than ever, and the wind could blow as hard as it wanted to, but to them, it didn't matter. When they were wrapped in each other's arms, they felt safe. Together, they are invincible.</p><p>Together, they <em>were</em> invincible.</p><p>"I'm leaving."</p><p> </p><p>The whispered words hit him like a punch in the chest, shattering something inside him that he didn't even know existed. The world tipped on its axis, spinning wildly and out of control. Dark waters rose, taking him under, currents tugging at him wildly without any pattern, keeping him under but close enough to be able to see the sun's rays reflect off the surface. He was so <em>close</em>, but yet so impossibly far.</p><p>"Don't," Yuta's throat was dry, and he swallowed, trying again. "don't go." His heart, which was usually filled with love for the younger, was now hollowed out like a shell on the beach as if it had been sliced through with an apple corer. Intact, but empty. Yuta decided that it was for the best, that it was preparing itself for the torrent of words that would inevitably follow the first two.</p><p>He almost collapsed, leaning onto the doorway for support. His legs felt like they were about to collapse. "No, please, don't go."</p><p>Under the waves, he struggled towards the light, fighting with all the strength he could possess. He had to reach the light, take a breath of air, he <em>had</em> to-</p><p>"I'm leaving," Doyoung repeated a little louder, sounding like he was trying to convince himself as much as he was to Yuta. He said it again one more time, this time with finality. Yuta recognized that tone. He knew that no matter how much he begged, how much pleading and reasoning he gave to Doyoung, he couldn't be stopped.</p><p>He kicked upwards, so close to the open air, but instead of bursting through the waterline, his head hit solid ice.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>Yuta could almost feel frigid water filling his lungs, suffocating him, making it harder to breathe. He fell to his knees, biting his lip and staring intently at the ground, trying to keep the tears in.</p><p>"Why? Why did you spend all these years here just to throw it all away?" Yuta was asking this for both Doyoung's lengthy training period and the time they had spent together after their debut. The time the group spent together.</p><p>"I didn't mean to," his voice was no longer the strong, stable one that the fans heard, echoing in the huge arenas they sold out. It was broken, raspy from the tears Yuta knew he had shed before he had returned from his recording session. Doyoung's eyes were lined with red, a hand on the boxes of his belongings. His entire existence in their dorm, packed and filed away.</p><p>"Don't lie to me."</p><p>The waters inside Yuta's head were now turbulent, swirling with sadness, sorrow, and rage. He couldn't break the surface of the ice, no matter how hard he hit it. Every time he struck it, the layer of frost seemed to grow thicker, harder, even more impenetrable.</p><p>"Four years, Doyoung. You couldn't even wait for the contract to end?"</p><p>Doyoung stood silently, his face a flurried mix of emotions. When he opened his mouth, a shuddering half-cry escaped his lips. "You don't understand. I have to. I <em>need </em>to."</p><p>Yuta bowed his head, releasing his hold on Doyoung and collapsing onto the ground. "I understand leaving the group," he could barely get his words out, the lump in his throat growing bigger as he held in his sobs. "but why Korea? Why <em>me</em>?"</p><p>Yuta was observant; he had seen the crumpled plane ticket the younger had tried to hide behind his back when he walked into the room. Between accidentally overhearing the hushed conversations between Doyoung and their managers, and seeing the younger a week later through a glass window, signing a stack of printed paper, he quickly figured out what was going on.</p><p>He had given Doyoung enough time to change his mind, hoping against hope that he would go back on his decision. </p><p>But he didn't.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he shakily exhaled. "I'm so, so, sorry."</p><p>"Where are you going?"</p><p>A tear tracked its way down Doyoung's cheek. "Far. Very far from here. I have to, Yuta, I'm so sorry-"</p><p>"If you were really sorry, you wouldn't be leaving."</p><p>Doyoung's mouth fell open, but Yuta wasn't done. "If you were really sorry, you wouldn't even have thought about going."</p><p>He shook his head. "I'm not sorry for leaving, Yuta. I'm sorry that I can't be here with you. I'm sorry that, after all that we've been through, we can't be together forever like I promised."</p><p>Yuta crashed into the ice barrier again and again, trying to force his way through. The temperature of the water was dropping, quickly becoming terrifyingly cold, numbing his limbs. He was weak from the lack of oxygen, lethargy dragging him back down.</p><p>"It's not your fault. It was never your fault. I just need to do this-"</p><p>He could barely hear Doyoung over the crashing of waves in his ears, blocking him out completely. He didn't hear him, he couldn't hear him, he didn't want to hear him.</p><p>Yuta barely felt Doyoung's arms wrap around him, the back of his sweater slowly getting soaked by the younger's tears. For a second, Yuta let himself believe that he had finally come around, that all this had managed to convince him to <i>stay</i>. He was ready to forget all of this had ever happened, that the thread that was their relationship had been severed almost to breaking point like this. As long as Doyoung was there, they could rebuild it, they could make it stronger, they could fix this mess-</p><p>When he let go, Yuta shivered, suddenly cold from the lack of his touch. Doyoung held him at an arm's length, staring at him as if he was memorizing his features, permanently carving his face into the stone that was his memory. He gave Yuta a last, broken smile, and stood up, stepping around Yuta to leave.</p><p>The pure desperation and fear took over when Doyoung was almost out the door and he leapt forward to close the distance between them, clinging onto him like a baby. He didn't bother hiding his tears anymore, unleashing wave after wave of emotion that racked his body as he wept openly.</p><p>"Don't go, please," Yuta tried again, his voice breaking.</p><p>"I love you."</p><p>He heard Doyoung sob openly, a glimmer of hope appearing like a lighthouse in the stormy sea. The ice seemed to thaw a little, and Yuta was filled with revitalised motivation. He surged against the barrier with renewed strength, daring to dream of them together once again-</p><p>Doyoung peeled Yuta's arms off him and the ice refroze, lifting the boxes at the door, and stepping out of the dorm, hesitating for a moment as he was almost out the door.</p><p>"Goodbye."</p><p>The door shut behind Doyoung as he walked out without looking back, leaving Yuta alone.</p><p>The currents took hold of Yuta once, but he didn't have the energy nor the spirit to put up a fight. He was yanked under, swallowed by the dark waters, not caring that his lungs screamed for air. The ice was too thick, and he had no one to breathe for, not anymore.</p><p>"I love you," he told the closed door, knowing that there was no one to hear him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/maelstrcms/status/1339101064902033408?s=20">fic tweet</a> / <a href="https://twitter.com/maelstrcms">twitter</a> / <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/maelstrcms">curious cat</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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